172/365

172/365, originally uploaded by Spi-V.

I feel more inspired to write lately than to shoot. I don’t even know what ill shoot today yet I just know I wanted to write.i wrote something last night after a friend has left my place and I broke down as he walked out of here … I don’t really have male friends you know how it is and I dont believe men and women can be platonic ever! And ive met him a long time ago he owned a bar I use to go to very often. And he came here with some beers we never did sit just the 2 of us ever I knew he wouldn’t try anything so I felt comfortable inviting him but sitting like that with someone was so boring !!!! who cares you know..?
Another "friend" who I haven't seen in a year all of a sudden decided to ask me over its like they smell me now or something…. He said " I miss you I promise ill behave " yea right. I just don’t care about any of that just to think of someone else touching me or seeing me naked is so boring!! So fucking boring! I think my ego is content knowing I have who to be with and that’s enough I don’t need to really do anything I just cant. : ( sigh…

Im going to a wedding tomorrow a friend is already 5 months pregnant and marrying the love of her life after 10 years with some drunk! She needed 10 years to get her act together realize shes worth something get up and leave! To find her self inlove 3 months later and pregnant from a guy who was always her friend and in the backround and I am so so happy for her that she finally got her act together and left that horrible man !

An ex will be there … I have a feeling he wont show up she told me also he might not show up we both know him very well I couldn’t give a shit to be honest but having this wedding tomorrow and knowing I might see him made me remember allot of things. I really kicked into motion after that ended with him and I also realized I'm worth so much more and I'm a hell of an amazing girl to have put up with his using I really learnt to not judge other people. I remember looking at him and he would open up and talk about how scared he is of being with me and falling for me and I would just think he's crazy, scared of me?? I'm the biggest teddy bear he'll ever come across and this guy was shaking he was so scared which only made his using worse. The girl friend he had before me (lasted 3 weeks) he would wake her up at 4 am and drive her home he wouldn’t have her wake up with him in the morning I think I peed from laughing so hard when he told me that. Our first date was awful the second time we met he was gonna tell me we should just be friends but I ended up there for 3 days! Yes he woke up with me and that freaked him out even more…I remember coming home after that weekend with him I spoke to a girl friend told her all about it and I remember saying " if he doesn’t call me again I wouldn’t care even though I had allot of fun" I just didn’t… he did call though and we were together for a while it was a real learning experience he was so much like me so angry at everyone and everything hopeless about the future and about him self he loved to blame me for his cocain using getting worse cause falling for me makes him really scared and he has to be high all the time I laughed at that too… i knew non of it had anything to do with me he had a crush on me ever since I was 16 and he was 25 now he has me and hes blowing it because he doesn’t think he deserves to be loved only because he doesn’t love him self to begin with.

Like I said being with him just kicked in all my awareness that woman inside was waking up and talking to me for the first time in my life and I listened. Nothing happens for no reason and people come to walk you through stages of your life some stay longer than others some mean more than others they all prepare us to meet ourselves at the end of the day. I don’t feel like half a person anymore not at all but I use to for a long time. And even now after this amazing man I just met we spent an amazing after noon together and I thought maybe it will happen with him now.. I came home and cried my heart out in the shower cause i was terrified!! Only this time I had that voice of reason in me telling me all is ok and I deserve it ! in the past I only had my insecurities talking to me telling me I'm a pile of shit! And nothing good will ever come of me .
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So I shot some photos… but I like these nude ones the most I have about 10 I couldn’t choose from again… atleast I have some good outtakes for days i